Diary Entry:I wonder

It’s hard to walk the tightrope between victim and self-abuser, because a cutter is always a victim, and always an abuser. The world of cutters is twisted, hurting so bad that you want to cut, and then cutting so bad it causes you to hurt more. The physical pain is never the issue…it is like a tickle compared to the emotional pain inside. If only,if only someone could understand the torment inside your soul, if only they could erase the thoughts and feelings, if only….if only I didn’t feel so worthless. Can a cutter ever really be healed? If you want to cut, does that mean you are a cutter, or do you simply struggle with the need to cut? Can I ever be free? What if I don’t cut for 12 years and then I cut again? Am I a cutter? If I still struggle with the urges, how can I help others that cut? Or does my struggle help me to feel their pain? Cutting is different from other addictions like alcoholism or anorexia because people are horrified by self-mutilation. (©copyright 2005 )